There are so many varying energies and motivations behind the drive to hire a sex worker. It could be innocent exploration, intimacy without commitment, scratching a specific itch, trying something new, or to have an outlet to feel a sense of power and control - whether with good intentions or otherwise.
I had a wonderful realization the other day about one thing that all of my clients in all of my different phases of this business had in common:
An innate need to play.
I believe that for us humans, play is one of the foundational elements of a comfortable and peaceful existence. From the time we are children we have our intuition and natural desires figuratively (and sometimes literally) beaten out of us. When we are kids, all we want to do is play! I don't believe that should change. How do we play as sexually mature adults? Well there are many ways - but sex is a great one!
Our society frowns upon adult play in general. This is compounded with puritanical values that have woven sexual shame into so many facets of our cultural rules and patterns. We fall victim to shame and sign energetic contracts to uphold these standards of behavior. We are expected to take ourselves very seriously, stay focused, and deprive ourselves of pleasure for the sake of adulting efficiently.
What a cruel irony that the very expectation for people to be “grown up” by denying themselves pleasure and play ultimately results in the self fulfilling prophecy of emotionally regressive and behavior. These behaviors - like hiding, sneaking around, living “double life”, hiring SW, or even "pleasure-seeking" - are often judged as “immature”. What do children do when they are denied their needs? They act out, they regress, and they try to find ways to meet their needs based on their limited tool kit. Oftentimes these wounds stay open through adulthood.
I have compassion for these folks struggling with their secrets - primarily men. The typical woman or genderqueer client is sexually liberated and the act of buying sex is radical in itself. Men have been hiding their sexual needs as a commonly known "dirty secret" since the dawn of prostitution - as the two go a bit hand-in-hand.
The root of all of this is sexual shame. It causes folks who have the same innate desires and needs to be living totally different realities - feeling limited, disconnected, and at odds with each other. Sexual shame, as it is based in the same energetic center as our personal power a the rest of our sexuality and emotions, generates a lot of intense feelings. This is where stigma comes from and therefore stigma against sex work - for both client and worker. n they aren’t being nurtured whereas masculine folks, who are more physical and linear creatures, often outsource their needs.
The root of all of this is sexual shame. It causes folks who have the same innate desires and needs to be living totally different realities - feeling limited, disconnected, and at odds with each other. Sexual shame, as it is based in the same energetic center as our personal power and the rest of our sexuality and emotions, generates a lot of intense feelings. This is where stigma comes from and therefore stigma against sex work - for both client and worker.
A person who has done the work and grown would ideally communicate honestly, be forthcoming, place boundaries, express needs, and absorb consequences with grace. However, amidst our damaged social structure, the consequences of needing to simply be human and play are wildly beyond what they should be. Shame has infested the heart spaces where trust and compassion would otherwise exist. The consequence of seeking or performing sex work can deconstruct entire lives and families.
Truthfully, the powerful drive to find play and pleasure is admirable and a vital sign of our humanness. The sometimes destructive behaviors that accompany this desire being denied are not something we should have to grapple with. We all adapt differently, some better than others.
Not everyone is in a position to completely restructure their lives. There is great wisdom in knowing when to not stir the pot and nurture those around you by keeping your self-care to yourself. Ignorance can, in fact, be bliss. This is why I do not judge those who need to lie or hide from their loved ones. They are doing what they need to in the most responsible way possible.
In the meantime while we work to reshape the world... If we take an approach of compassion and understanding toward all, how far could we get at battling the stigma that affects us all?
It is crucial that we critically examine the stories that paint all sex work with the same brush as sex trafficking or the sex work consumer with the predator and human trafficker. This is the only job and consumer market where honest testimony of consent are undermined and outright denied. Why?
What is the true motivating factor to consuming sex?
What are the motives when conflating consent with coercion?
What shame can be released here?
When we strip back the stories and our own internal judgements, we can see more clearly. We can simplify, identify, and nurture a normal human need - the need to freely play!
So, while I may be biased... For what its worth - you have my permission to explore freely. Keep up the good work on your journey to self discovery!